Just me...

I haven't posted anything on here is FOREVER.  Things are amazing with me and Anthony. I'm going to marry that boy. I already have my mind made up.  :)  <3

Also, we both finally started going to school. Me, for Interior Design and him for welding.  I want to be the person who picks out carpet and paint and lighting fixtures and all that stuff for restaraunts and commercial properties. Not residential really.. I'd rather work for CEO's than bored rich housewives.  I think I may have a knack for it though.. The education has been helping me kind of "refine" what I already had an idea about.  We'll see I guess.  

is one of those strange days. One of those days when your mind works a little harder than your mouth, and you just take everything in. Today I can feel Fall taking over the end of Summer, and I can't figure out if its a welcoming feeling or if theres a touch of sadness. I feel that I'm on the brink of something, but I just don't know what it is yet. This will be a good week.

Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

-Elliott Smith

This really made me smile.


And I am in love.

Here we go again. I think I'm in the right state of mind to actually get in shape and lose some of this fat fat fat that I have hanging off of  me.


Water and lemon juice fast today?

Yes sir.

Tomorrow? Maybe.

Me and Anthony actually ran and worked out last night and I feel good today :) He helps motivate me so much! I dont know what I would do without that boy. :D


CW- 118
GW- 105

By Monday. I can do it. Yes sir. I can!

If I have extra money I need to get some vegetables from the farmers market this Saturday.  

So things have been shitty lately.

Anthony got laid off from the warehouse and hasn't been able to find another job. We've been living on my measly $800 a month. 

It's been hard but we've been surviving with a little help from family.

I still love him no matter what. 

I woke up to this on the door when I left for work this morning :)

Hi Brooke!
So I'm sitting here alone cuz you fell asleep on me and I'm eating those sausage muffin things.  Let me tell you, they're the best thing my mouth could have ever consumed at this moment.  Anyways, I just want to let you know that I love you with my whoooole entire heart! Even though we don't have much money and we're sort of stuggling at the moment, I'm still the happiest guy in the world because of you. I always will be as long as your the first thing I get to see every morning when I wake up.

I love you!
-Me



That made me feel so much better :)

It's spring and everything is beautiful.  I notice myself looking up at the sky more than down at my feet when I walk lately.  The vibrant greens and pinks and yellows of downtown Tracy can be mesmerizing if you have an open mind.   I noticed the yards of foreclosed homes overgrown with native weeds and plants, spilling onto the sidewalk, the soil remembering when all this was fields. I see bees and birds and ladybugs. The sun warms my jeans and my hair as I walk, and it is an amazing sensation.

Everything is beautiful. This, is what love feels like.

I won't be having much fun this weekend.  I have to stay with Gram all weekend because my aunt is going to some gay concert.  LAMEOLA. 

Anthony and Artie have a show on Saturday night in San Jose at their cousin's house, so they're staying the night there, and partying no less.. Lucky ducks.  Hehe ducks..  Hmmm punk show in San Jose with beer and fun, or going to bed at 9:30 with a 90 year old woman... sigh. At least theres food at my grandmas.  I would really like to meet the rest of Anthony's family though.  :/

Saturday will be the first night I have to sleep without him in almost 4 months. It's going to be so weird!  I'm sure I'll live though.  He's getting a phone today so I'll be able to text his drunk ass all night haha...

Tonight after he practices we're going out to dinner at Denny's and then going grocery shopping.  Ha, what a nice Friday night... 

I sure do love that boy.  

Today was just another day... Nothing to interesting.


I really, really want to go home.  UGH.

I cant wait till this weekend!  Me and Anthony are going to have so much fun!!

of something amazing. 

I have fallen completely for this boy.  He is absolutely everything I've ever wanted, and we are perfect together.  These past few months have been the best of my adult life, and I'm sure it will continue this way! He says he has something planned for me for Valentines day but he won't tell me what it is.. Ive never had anyone actually think about me that much, and I almost don't know how to react haha.  I'm just not used to someone actually being nice to me and opening doors and being a gentleman and acting the way a guy is supposed to act.    The first time he opened a car door for me I got really confused!  I'm always telling him he's a nice boy haha... I feel like a princess. :)

Anywho.. I'm getting paid by the state to watch my Grandma now, so I'm going to have some extra moneys soon... and now that Anthony has a job things will be perfect.  Absolutely perfect. :)

I am genuinely happy. :D

He told me he loved me last night... We just stood in the living room slow dancing to no music and talking.. and he said "you know all those times I said I think I'm falling in love with you, I knew I was.." then we kept dancing and he said it.. he looked me in the eyes and said "I love you"

This is different. 

He leaves me notes in the steam on the bathroom mirror, he tells me I'm beautiful at least 10 times a day, he kisses me whenever he gets a chance...

I'm happy :)


He's so cuddly. :)


and when I'm feeling down, he'll do anything to make me laugh.  :D

So me and Aaron and Anthony went grocery shopping the other night.  We stopped and ate at Jack in The Box first and had some dinner.  Those boys are my family, I love them so much.  We got a bunch of stuff and actually planned out meals for the next two weeks and have been cooking dinner and keeping the house nice.  I decorated the house for Christmas the other day, is so cute!  
So every Sunday we go to the thrift stores in Tracy and see what we can find.  I got Aaron an amazing pair of vintage quarter boots for two dollars, Anthony got a vintage 1989 49ers jacket and I got an owl painting for the hallway and a few figurines for my shelves. 
Its pretty fun :)  I guess Anthony's aunt has told his ENTIRE family about me, and that he pretty much stays with me all the time... Now they're all asking about me. (Well Anthony put it like "theyre all asking for you") I'm terrified.  I'm glad I have Kady to cling to haha... My fellow white girl.


This Saturday is Kady's family Christmas party, and Sunday we're going to San Fransisco if we all aren't too hung over. 

I'm excited :D

It really, really bothers me that my cousin Ryan is still all buddy buddy with my ex. I mean, if he had a girlfriend who completely crushed him and fucked six dudes I would fucking hate her, and probably try to beat her ass... I definitely wouldn't go to parties with her and be her best friend.  I hold family a little higher than that.  But whatever.  I see he doesn't.  Little jerk.


Anywho...

I'm dating the most passionate, loving, giving guy in the entire world. 
I couldn't be happier with him.  Last night was so amazing... :)

Its amazing how much music can move someone. 

Its also amazing how much music I've missed out on over the past few years.  My eyes have definitely been opened. 

I have the best friends in the entire world right now.  I've never been so comfortable with any group of people before in my life. 

I am happy. Yes, happy. 

So he finally did it. 

Last night after we drove Aaron to work, I was laying on the couch playing Animal Crossing and he came and snuggled up with me and put his beanie on my head.  I told him I looked like a boy, and he said I was a cute boy, then I made fun of him for liking boys... He kinda smiled and said "but I don't want a boyfriend, I want a girlfriend.." and I said "no, you want a boyfriend, homo" then I realized what was happening. I couldnt stop smiling all night.   I'm his first girlfriend in two years.  I'm not going to fuck this one up.  I could see myself falling in love with this boy.   Its so cute how we can both fit on my little blue couch and I don't feel completely smothered.  Its so refreshing how passive he is, and how he can break a $900 computer and just say "oh shit, well.. looks like we're going to have to fix it." and I don't have to deal with a full blown tantrum.  I love going to bed with cuddles and waking up to kisses, I love feeling appreciated and beautiful.  He tells me I'm perfect, I tell him he's a goober... He makes me laugh but knows when to be serious.  He loves my butt and is an amazing lover... I love his kisses and his nice lips and that little way he smiles when he looks into my eyes... We have similar childhood experiences, and can talk about our crazy families for hours.  I love that he's a family oriented person like me, it shows good values.... He can hold an intelligent conversation without drowning me in psycho-babble and frederich niche quotes.  He is just refreshing, and just what I need.    

This weekend has been amazing, we stayed in bed until 4 PM and the day didn't feel wasted at all...

:D

Hole - e - shit.

These past two months have been fucking crazy, yet completely amazing. 

I broke up with Brandon because he cheated on me with six girls, and I was NOT happy at all.. He is such a piece of shit. Last week he tricked me and told me he was coming to get his stuff  so I let him in the house, and he just walked past me and tried to beat up Anthony.  There was blood EVERYWHERE.  UGH. 

So I think I'm falling for Anthony.  Actually, I know I'm falling for him. I know he likes me because he's endured a lot because of me and still sticks around.   We've been together every day for two months and every time I see him I still get butterflies :D  He told his Grandma that I'm his girlfriend, but he doesn't know that I know haha.  I want it to be official, but I'll wait till the time is right.  Theres no reason to rush anything! 


At this exact moment, I am happy.  :)

Huh. I don't think he likes me like that.

Maybe after i stop tumbling head over heels I'll figure it out.

God damnit.

 I am such a fickle person.  I swear, I never know weather I'm coming or going half of the time.  Ugh. I don't know if I'm happy or not. 

I just don't know.  I want something new, something fresh.  This town is so stale.  This is just another boring night doing the same old shit over and over.  I have one ray of sunshine lately, and honestly I'm not even allowed to bask in that lone ray of sunshine even though it's right in front of me, calling to me. I am condemned to this murky fog called monotony. I hate Tracy, California.  I hate being ridiculed for anything and everything I do, I hate having to censor myself. I seriously just want out. I want to feel warmth. Genuine warmth.

My body is so tense lately.. every time that film runs back through my mind I swell with joy, I smile, then reality crashes down on me an its gone.. at least until the film rewinds.  

So lately I've been spending every waking moment (that I'm not working) with Aaron and Anthony.  I just don't feel right unless I am with these two boys.  I call them my house pets.  They have stayed the night for the past week.  I don't understand why I'm so attached to them.  I even panic a little bit when I'm not with them..  I always have so much fun with them.  Gah.  I even look forward to going home if I know that they will be there waiting. 

I can't stop thinking about what he said to me that night... 

So I wake up this morning and Brandon is not home, and my car is gone. Ugh.  I FREAKED out.  His cell was off, so I called the jail and the hospital and the impound lot. No sign.  I called his dad, no sign.  I walk to Heathers house so I can call long distance to the county jail to see if he got picked up or something... no sign. So at this point I'm tripping out pretty hard, and on my way home from heathers and I see him pull up.   I was sooo pissed.

He took my car in the middle of the night and went to a party.  Without telling me. 
 
So I yell at him for a while about stealing my car and he just yells back that I've done worse shit and brings up all this shit from the past to try to make me feel bad. 

*headdesk*